I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend

Dating

Dick pics.  My roommate and I somehow got into a conversation about dick pics which lasted longer than I expected (that’s what she said).  I explained to my roommate that if a girl was asking for a dick pic then she must have become extremely fond of your penis, because dicks are not cute.  They’re just not ok?  Let’s play my second favorite drinking game (because yes, pool is a drinking game for me; i.e. a game that should be played under the influence of alcohol): Never Have I Ever.  Never have I ever been sitting around watching netflix thinking, Man I wish I had another opportunity to view a familiar guy’s penis, I should probably text

 

first name: Josh

last name: bar where I met Josh

 

and see if he will send me a dick pic.  

 

I have one friend who is always talking about how large her boyfriend’s penis is and how much she loves it.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for the girl, but I don’t feel the same.  If some guy pulled out a penis that large I’d be terrified… like, “Don’t come near me with that massive, unnatural looking appendage.”  I’m 5’0 and barely weigh over a hundred pounds, that thing freaks me the fuck out.  Just so we’re clear, vaginas are NO better.  They are terribly ugly and most of the time I just pretend I don’t have one.  Then I get in the shower and I’m like, “Whoa what the fuck is going on down there, sudoku?”  Sex is hott, but genitals are not.  (The rhyming was unintentional but effective.)

 

The other day I was at the bar and some guy asked me if I had gone running earlier.  I did.  He asked me if I ran around in my sports bra on purpose to get guys’ attention with how hott I looked all sweaty.  I was like no…yes…no…wait, you think I’m hott?  I keep jogging past the local fire station hoping that one of them will come put out my fire…and by fire, I mean the red hot flames of desire.  Rescue me, I’m just too too hott.  I meant hot with only one “t” of course.  Okay, now I’m just embarrassing myself.

 

On a different note, one of the things I love about people is how we translate what we’re hearing into something more suitable.  I did this all the time with my ex-boyfriends as a survival technique.  They would say hey and I’d be like You think I’m beautiful?  They might say How are you? and I’d be like You’ve been thinking about me all day?  I’m not completely delusional but it has spared me from the drunken crying on many occasions.  The truth is, guys can be dicks.  Girls can be very shitty too, but again I say, guys can be dicks.  The real dick pics are the pictures of guys who didn’t show up when they said they would be there, laughed at you in front of all of their friends, and made you feel like something was wrong with you just because you weren’t perfect.

 

In an effort to save this post from getting too serious, I’ll give you a little insight into the “breakup” of my never boyfriend and I.  When I ended things I said, “I know you weren’t just hanging out with me to have sex, because we both know I’m terrible in bed.”  We both ended up hysterically laughing on his porch because we knew it was true.  My version of sex is pretty much my version of watching netflix or reading, I just lay there and enjoy.  Although my heart was breaking, I knew, even then, that you shouldn’t take things quite so seriously.  Hence, my blog.  Skeeze of the day goes to my never-boyfriend for, well, being my never-boyfriend.

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11 thoughts on “I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend

  1. Good luck with the hunt. I know what you mean about being bad at sex. I am useless well. Well, apparently I get the occasional thing right, but I am not convinced it was more than an accident of the moment. Anyway, people get together for other things really in the end (mind you I would say that, I guess).

    Good luck….:)

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  2. I totally agree with you on the whole genitals thing. Nothing about getting a picture of someone’s penis would turn me on. I don’t care who the penis belonged to, it just wouldn’t do it for me.

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    1. Yeah, I could see how some people might enjoy that…dirty pictures aren’t the craziest concept I’ve ever heard, it’s just not my thing. Glad I’m not the only one and thanks for reading!

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  3. There are a few tutorials online to help with your “lying down like a zombie from The Walking Dead” syndrome while having sex. Lol. Poor girl. All is not lost, you can recover from this.

    And without escaping from my gentleman’s state of mind, I don’t think kitty’s are ugly. I mean, they can be depending on the girl I guess. As for the other thing, I think the reason girls ask for the picture is to get an idea of size. Some girls like things on the smaller side, so bless their heart. Others prefer it average and some love it mandingo warrior style. There is something for everyone.

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