Warning: This post…along with all my other posts now that I think about it…is not appropriate for all audiences. If you are offended by racial, religious, or sexual jokes (the only kind of jokes); then this blog is not for you.
Cunt, slut, whore, bitch. Only the first four words that come to mind when you think of her…and by her, I mean the family favorite. Sometimes she’s your niece, sister, cousin, aunt, or in-law, but most importantly, she is never EVER you. You get a master’s degree and she gets a doctorate. You wear a c-cup and she’s rockin DD’s. You win ten awards and she gets best overall. She’s one-three times upping you in everything you do. Shadow meet life. She’s often blonde and has a tendency to seek out weaknesses. Out this July and coming to a theater near you…she is…the family favorite.
Although both facing the inner battle with our archnemesis, the family favorite, Samantha (the introducer of the word skeeze) and I still managed to have a great weekend. This includes the following:
Kansas City Royals baseball game– I had no idea that all the players would be foreign, and by foreign I mean hispanic. They trick you with first names like Josh, James, and Tyler…so you’re like yeah, these are my people. Then BAM, Perez has two outs, Gonzales is chillin on third base, and who knows what the fuck ole Salvador’s up to. Regardless it was fun…Olé, touché motherfuckers! I also have recently wondered if they play the song Royals by Lorde at their games…seems appropriate.
Nelson Atkins museum– FYI, Jesus Christ not only died once for your sins, but instead gets nailed to the cross in every single fucking room of this museum. I fail to understand the artistic fascination with a long-haired man nailed in t-formation, unless said long-haired man is rockin a 6-pack and killer biceps.
Modest Mouse concert– This is the kind of place where each tall man is assigned to one short girl, being forced (by means of waterboarding) to stand directly in front of them the entire concert. Always a pleasure fellow concert viewers.
One of things I realized on my trip, was my friends’ unnatural and mildly disturbing infatuation with the concept of rape. Everything we talked about somehow led us back to one topic….rape. We eventually created a rape spectrum, where we could judge things based on where they fell on the spectrum. Like…oh he touched you there…that’s definitely gonna fall somewhere in the middle of the rape spectrum. For future posts, I plan to utilize this spectrum. It did, however, lead us to coining a particular phrase, one which I think you will like.
“It ain’t easy being skeezy.” – said by my roommate Connor (my previous skeeze of the day)
This brings me to my favorite part of the post…My skeeze of the day goes to the guy sitting behind me at the Royals game. He went on and on about how ugly high-waisted shorts were. I’m wearing high-waisted shorts you stupid motherfucker! Take two steps back…then take two steps forward…pat your head…now admit you’re wrong motherfucker!!!! For the record, my high-waisted shorts looked stellar. I will be posting a clip later today from my favorite Modest Mouse song played at the concert, “Dramamine”.