I’ll Be Back By The Pool Tables

Dating, People

As I watched my roommate sharpen my eyeliner pencil with a pink pocket knife (after desperately explaining to him that I lost my sharpener and simply could not wear a leopard top without eyeliner), I began to think about my approach to the other gender.  While when most girls see a hott guy they are like “Man I’d love to (insert sexual act here) with him,” when I see a hott guy I’m like, “Man I’d binge watch the shit out of some netflix with that guy.”  Meeeeoooowwwww.  On a couch…together…ow ow!

As you may all know, I have a slight addiction to billiards.  One of my favorite things about playing pool is the fact that every fucking person playing pool has to try and make a pool-related joke.  All pool-related jokes suck balls…get it?!  But really, they suck.  My favorite pool joke is when you accidentally scratch and you hear that faint voice in the background, “You made one!”.  Fuck you.  Fuck you all.  My second favorite pool joke is when someone asks me to break.  Trust me, that always gets a good laugh.

Playing pool is the PERFECT place to meet skeezy guys (yes, skeeze is a very versatile word).  Here are just a few types of guys (skeezes) that play pool:

1. The Arrogant Pool Player– I just banked off of 3 out of 4 walls, hopped the ball over yours, for a fucking combo because I am that good.  No, it’s not slops….I meant to do that…Dude did you not see me call that pocket seriously?!  Speaking of how good I am, I should probably coach you on every shot you take because you don’t look like your very good…mostly because your short…and female…Whoaaahhh you are short and female, why don’t I just wrap my arms around you and show you how to shoot straight if you know what I’m sayin….I think I do you fucking stupid fucking motherfucker.

2. Going Nowhere With Life Pool Player – Nah man, I don’t really have a job.  I’m just tryin to live life ya know?  Just shootin pool and livin life ya know?  We could totally get dinner sometime…if you’re buying.  Fucking Skeeze.

3. I’m Just Trying To Hit On You Pool Player– I don’t usually play pool, but I just saw you over there by yourself.  Do you come here often?   And like..what does that tattoo mean?  Soooo did that septum piercing hurt? (Obviously him and I have a lot in common.)  Man, you’re so good at pool…what a pool shark you are lil thang…(Looks at Me)  I think we both know where this is headed…back to my place, am I right?  No sir, you are not right.  I stand corrected, no you fucking skeeze, you are not fucking right.

4. The Hustlin’ Pool Player– I’m not very good at pool.  I haven’t played in sooooooo long…like so long.  You’re probably gonna beat me.  Did I mention I’m not good?   Oh you’re not good either, I promise you’re better than me (he says as he makes three striped balls on the break followed by a solid run of the table then stating, “So, we’re playing for drinks right?”). Good game SKEEZE!

5. Wish I Could Bang You On This Pool Table Pool Player- Now this one is a rarity but it happens.  If you don’t fall under categories 1-4 (AT ALL) and are good at playing pool then you just got like 101% hotter in my eyes.  This here, ladies and gentleman, is not a skeeze!

My skeeze of the day goes to a guy who goes by the name “Cross.”  I feel like his name alone constitutes his skeeziness…but to add to this, he is wearing a cross necklace and a shirt with a cross on the front.  WE FUCKING GET IT!  He fell under category #3…enough said.

Pool player number 5 come find me please, I’ll be back by the pool tables.  What’s that?  You can’t find me?  Look for the girl surrounded by pool players 1-4.  FUCK.


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