Who The Fuck Is In My Bed Right Now?

Dating, Lifestyle, People

I love how people are always so derogatory towards cops like, “Fuck the Po-lice!”.  But then, when they need help they’re always like, “I’m gonna call the cops on yo ass!”.  Really?  Go ahead…have and eat your fucking cake.  When I see a cop, I suddenly become a Mexican illegally crossing the border.  I start asking everyone in the car, “Am I speeding?  Did I roll through that stop sign?  Do we have drugs in the car?  I repeat, are there drugs in this vehicle?!  ANSWER ME!!!!”.  I have to confirm that there is no illegal activity happening in the car because my incessant need to listen to rap music loudly has already drawn the officer’s attention.  “Nothing to see here folks.  I’m just a small town girl, living in a lonely world…I’m happy, I’m feeling glad…no sunshine in this bag…just livin’ in gangster’s paradise.

While walking to class the other day, I passed a bunch of football players at the university who pulled their typical, “Heyyyy giiiirrrrllll how you doin?”.  I usually respond with a solid, “Hey.” which surprises them initially.  I’ve decided that one of these days I’m just going to stop and talk to them.  I’ll say, “How am I doing, you ask???!!!!  I’m doing fucking terrible.  I got this awful phone call from my grandma, then I got a flat tire, and then this bitch tells me….” and just allow the story to unravel from there.  Cat call on line one.  Please hold.

Throughout my entire time in college, I’ve always wanted one thing…nope, not a degree, although that was an added bonus.  All I wanted was a student/teacher affair.  Honestly, I would’ve even settled for a teaching assistant.  It’s not about grades, as I’ve made a solid 3.5 without using my body as incentive.  But really, how hott would that be?  “I’ve really been struggling with my homework, think we could work something out?  You may need to shut the door…this could take awhile.”  Don’t act like you’ve never thought about this.  Every new semester I would go to class thinking, This is my chance.  Maybe this is the one.  Then, the professor would walk in with a balding head, beer gut, and awful glasses from another time period; all while sporting a checkered shirt and vest.  My heart sinks. This is definitely not the one.

Saturday night, I went to a local music festival and immediately met this good looking guy….then the worst of all things happened…………………………..He said…………and I quote…….”I like coors lite.”  What?!!!!  TAKE IT BACK!   What crazy person made you think you liked that? I waited for the ensuing laughter to ensure me it was just a joke.  Silence.  The only joke was that he thought he had a chance with me after such foul language.  Deceived by his trendy shirt and sexy tattoos, I was disappointed to find your average country boy.  While I can see the appeal to a rough and ride em’ cowboy, this girl is not looking to saddle up.  We parted ways shortly thereafter, knowing that our romance could not withstand the pressures of differing beer tastes.  Goodbye partner.  Goodbye forever.

I arrived home from the festival only to realize there was a small party awaiting me in my room.  Wine and ice cream sandwiches to end the night in my bed in my room…NOT.  I crawl into bed at the dark shadowy hour of 5:00 a.m. and suddenly feel someone next to me.  An arm wraps around my body and at first, I oblige.  This is nice, I thought to myself.  Thank you for the shoulder rub you cuddly stranger you, I thought from my zombie-like sleeping state.  Then I abruptly came to my senses…Who the fuck is in my bed right now?!  I quickly sorted through all the possibilities.  Not my friend Leah, that was definitely a guy’s voice.  My never boyfriend?  Never.  An ex-boyfriend?  Doubtful.  Current boyfriend?  You don’t have a boyfriend!  Roommate?  No, he has his own bed.  Ex-roommate?  When did they get here?  I look over my shoulder and I recognize who is lying next to me. Dean.  Dean is lying next to me.   I quickly hop out of bed and start tiptoe running to Connor’s room.  Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Why is Dean in my bed?

Connor: I don’t know, he said he was sleeping on the couch.

Me: He isn’t on the couch Connor. (serious face)

Connor: Tell him to get out of your bed!

Me: No, it will be awkward.  You tell him to get out of my bed, he’s your friend!

Connor: No, it’s gonna be really awkward if I tell him.

Me: I’ll sleep on the couch.

Skeeze of the day goes to Dean.  That’s my bed, you slick motherfucker!  He did apologize in the morning to be fair…but crawling into your friend’s roommate’s bed and cuddling….pretty skeezy if you ask me!  I do know, however……

It ain’t easy bein skeezy.



16 thoughts on “Who The Fuck Is In My Bed Right Now?

  1. A thumb in the eye was always enough to discouraged me. Go ahead and talk to the football players. Your honest approach would be a breath of fresh air. I know, I was one.


    1. Oh no u are not the only one! I suddenly become hyper aware of any illegal activity that I could have done in the past ten years like…oh god I stole that soda that one time at the grocery store…he knows. He has to know! That’s why he’s following me!


  2. Sigh…by age 40, I can honestly tell you that a man’s choice of drink would not prevent me from anything, really. Well…perhaps I should give it a good hard thought. If all he drank were strawberry daiquiris I might challenge his manhood. Or it would just make him interesting and quirky. I’m glad I found you via your blog follow…I’m looking forward to delving into your blog.



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