You asked for throwback Thursday, so here it is…wait…did no one ask for throwback Thursday? Well fuck, I’m still going to throw it your way. A mere three years ago, my high school sweetie and I called it quits, parting ways in the most dramatic of fashions. Feeling sad, lonely, and undesirable, I began my quest to find the famous rebound relationship of which I’d so often heard. There’s this rumor going around that three is a charm…it’s so not!
Rebound #1: Cody. Cody owned a lawn mowing company (no he was not Hispanic), snow cone stand (no he was not Alaskan), and liked to play pickup basketball games on his free time…and no he was not black. After our first few hang out sessions and phone calls, Cody started texting me constantly, usually saying, “HELLO?” when I did not respond within the half hour. WELL HELLO YOU CLINGY MOTHERFUCKER! Truth be told, he was no Derek Fisher and the ball was in my court.
Rebound #2: Adam. Adam could have been my neighbor because he was…the boy next door. With a degree in engineering and having met in a motorcycle class, Adam offered up the perfect nice guy/bad boy combo. After weeks of facebook/text messaging, I was visiting my hometown so we could arrange our first date. The day of our date, I noticed his messages were vague and far less enthusiastic then usual, so naturally I was like…. well FUCK. After a calmer inquiry, Adam explained that he found out that same day that he had acquired an STD…genital herpes. Awesome.
Rebound #3: Jake. Boss’s son Jake was hott and shy…normally a perfect combo right? No. After an awkward first date at the movies where Jake practically sprinted to the car during the credits, I was certain their would be no awkward second. To my surprise, Jake texted me proclaiming it was the best date he ever had. (The feeling was not mutual.) After playing bball with rebound #1, I had started shooting free throws non-stop, playing games like PIG, HORSE, and MOTHERFUCKER all summer. Jake and I made plans to shoot hoops one night so I could really make a rebound. Unfortunately, Jake missed shot after shot while I sunk 3’s all night. Emotions were already running high. After one shot, the ball rolled off the court and into the grass. In some childlike flirtation, Jake and I raced to the ball…and who do you think made it their first? Me. Me, because Jake was lying on the ground wincing and holding his ankle. Rather than my normal nurturing self, I suddenly felt cold and displaced him as weak. Poor guy limped back to his car and never spoke to me again.
That summer, I finally lost my rebound virginity…Ben. Ben and I worked retail together all summer, unknowingly crushing on each other. Only problem was…Ben often checked me out instead of the customers. We had a 6 month long affair that ended when I attracted the attention of his roommates and turned them against one another (remember what I said about three not being a charm?)…but that’s a story for another time…maybe for when you fuckers actually request a throwback thursday. After a summer of boys, I decided to save rebounds for the court…where they belong.
Leave me a comment and feel free to give me some ideas for a next post because this one was boring as fuck!