Bitch Thinks I Use Flash Cards

Dating, Humor, Lifestyle, People

The closer it gets to tomorrow night, the more nervous I get for my last night bartending….at least for awhile.  One of the other bartenders made me flash cards for all the liquors and I was like…Bitch thinks I use flash cards.  I do.  I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Biology, how the fuck do you think I learned the Cell Cycle.  Sometimes I think I should make flash cards for dating.

Front of Flash Card: 

What do you do when your boyfriend cheats on you?

Back of Flash Card:

Kick that motherfucker to the curb.

Seems like it could be useful right?  But then, there would be that awkward moment when you get halfway through the deck of flash cards and arrive at this gem…

Front of Flash Card:

What do I do if he lies one time?  Should I give him another chance or end it immediately?

Back of Flash Card:


If you don’t know the answer, your flash cards probably don’t either.  

The fire whisperer came over to our apartment last night and no he did not bring blondie with him.  Had he done so, I probably would have scrubbed the counters so hard it took the paint off.  Instead, he had to repeatedly hug me and confuse my feelings even further.  Before he left, he hugged me while I was laying down in my bed.  After releasing his arms from the embrace, he just left his face pressed against mine for what felt like an eternity.  It was approximately fifteen seconds, but still way longer than the average friend embrace.  What the fuck was that?  A part of me felt like this embrace was his way of saying sorry like…Hey I’m really sorry I don’t feel the same about you but I’m gonna go ahead and leave my face laying on yours… without asking…for a while.  I’ll admit, it may have made it worse if he had asked.  It was way more intimate then kissing and I was not looking for an apology.  If you got some weird sensation last night around 12:20 a.m. that made you feel like your skin was boiling, it was probably because you could feel my little face turning red all the way from wherever you were at.

Then he was all like, “See you tomorrow night.” and I was all like “Not if I see you first.” but really…not if I see you first.  If I do, I’m going to run and hide…but fuck, then you will probably find me and leave your arm resting on mine for some obscenely long period of time and make it even more awkward that it already is…no wait, not possible.  

So yeah, I’m going to this concert at a bar tonight where I will likely have run-ins with both my ex-boyfriend, the fire whisperer, and my never boyfriend.  Soooo….there’s that.  But fuck it, I’m going to put on mascara and bat my eyelashes at every uncomfortable moment that arrives…which will likely be so often that people will think I have a permanent eye twitch.  Crop top here I come.

Luckily after running every day this week, I looked more thin and tan than I had in awhile.  Oh god, I just had a thought.  What if blondie is there tonight?  Someone help me find that flash card quick!  What if she is like…all up in his grill?  I might have to kill her.  As you all as my witness, if you see on the news that a thin blonde girl with a strange name has been murdered in the midwest region, it was not me.  It was.  Just kidding, I would never do that.  But maybe I would.  Do you see how crazy this makes me?  A few shots of whiskey at the beginning of the night oughta loosen me up real quick and prevent me from even looking for that blondorexic love thief.  I hope.  

Right now my skeeze of the day is on permanent hold by the fire whisperer for doing complex things like twenty seconds of uninterrupted facial contact.  But, I have a feeling that reign is going to end after a whiskey night at the bar tonight and my last bartending shift tomorrow.  Skeezes coming your way in the very near future!




5 thoughts on “Bitch Thinks I Use Flash Cards

  1. I cannot get over that you have a bachelor’s degree in biology. I avoided any kind of science classes like the plague in college. As required I needed to take at least one course and I took that shit in the summer because I knew it would be easier that way. Kudos to you for making it your major. And good luck for tonight!


    1. Haha sometimes I cannot believe it either! That definitely gives me an idea on a future blog post for how I ended up here…with that degree! I wish, however, that I could go back in time and do Journalism. I guess it’s never too late!


    1. Well I think a part of me thought that was true and a part of me wanted to think that was true. But after last night (read my newest post for details), I just have to assume it’s not. Any deeper feelings he has for me are being squashed down by a tall blonde with a really fucking cute black dress. But harboring a crush can be just as fun even when you do virtually nothing about it.

      Liked by 1 person

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