Today, I feel bad. Like bad in the way that I want to wear my sunglasses indoors in case I start crying. I fucking hate when people wear sunglasses indoors. You’re not the only person who is hungover! Face the sun with the rest of us skeezes!
So maybe I will just put on a hoodie, sweatpants, and headphones then start dribbling a basketball down the street. One Tree Hill among other modern shows have indicated that this is what you should do when you are upset. I am upset. Cue screaming into pillow.
The point being…I don’t want to be the girl that skeezes it up with kisses from her ex-boyfriend. I don’t want to be the girl that let’s a dreamy but VERY married man continue hitting on her. I don’t want to be the girl that leaves her roommate’s laptop unplugged causing him to lose an important download. The worst part is that I can’t even dribble a basketball down the street without it hitting my foot and rolling the fuck away. It’s embarrassing.
So what does a girl like Savannah do when she is upset…
1) I text all my best friends PRONTO! I’m like…Yo I’m upset. You usually know how to make this better. This is your job! I know you don’t get paid for overtime and holidays but time for a promotion! Sorry, I’m also not interested in anything going on in your life. I already have a job…thanks though! I have like 5 best friends total. Julie and Leah are mah main bitches. The Conner/Connor duo are my main bros. Then, there is…fire whisperer, who maybe needs a new nickname since the fire has been…ummm…extinguished. Nevertheless I text them all in less than ten minutes and get the placebo affect immediately. It already feels better knowing I have sent the text and am moments away from the best friend validation I so needed.
2) I listen to pop music. (Looking at a picture of T-Swift) “Hey girl! What’s up?! Long time no see! Whoah, when’s your next album coming out?! This breakup song from last year no longer applies to my current situation” – Do not judge. This only happens when I am upset….or in love…one of the two.
3) I stop eating. First of all, I’m so upset I don’t want to eat. Second of all, it is the most 100% effective way of losing weight, which is great because I need to make a comeback. I love a good underdog story…you just wait…a month from now I’ll be on top of the world. Literally. Just standing up there. The world won’t even feel me standing on it because I’ll be so skinny.
4) I cry. I’m a total crier. I had this guy tell me once that he doubted I ever cried because of how even-tempered I was and I started crying on impulse. I was like you clearly don’t know me at all. I can hold it together when I need to, like this morning at work, but then I get back to my apartment and I’m like…Connor come cry with me! Everyone else is doing it! I always go for the bandwagon strategy. The most ideal way to cry is with someone is watching you, because then you feel validated, or when they are crying simultaneously…even more fucking validating. Connor usually just watches.
5) I call my mom. There is NO one better to turn to than mommy. Mommy knows my best and worst traits, but loves me regardless. She knows I yell sometimes, cry sometimes, and that I will likely not replace the rear tires on my car until they fall off while I’m driving…but she still loves me. I just want to bury myself in a hug with her, which is perfect by the way, because we are the same height…very short.
6) I take off my makeup because I know it’s going to come off anyway. Bye bye mascara, before the tears do it for me. Then I claim that I’m going for this “natural” look, which is great because guys totally fall for this. They’re like…Oh my gosh this girl is so down to earth. Then they see my two walk-in closets and realize I’m high maintenance like the rest of em! Sorry bout ya….this girl loves to online shop.
7) I throw myself into some activity. This past year I have realized that there is nothing a billiards/blog post night can’t fix. Nothing! Plus, I have texted my best friends. I practically feel better already.
8) I order pizza, have ice cream, or mexican food with the fucking biggest margarita you’ve ever seen. Sometimes I cannot eat it because I am too busy being anorexic and making my comeback, but other times I binge eat…and drink.
9) I go shopping. I’m always like…Oh my gosh I need this purse. What was that…You need me too?! Someone needs me! Cue card swipe.
10) I get the fuck over it!
When something bad happens, I bounce back so hard it could cause spinal paralysis. I’m thinner, hotter than ever and I don’t need makeup to prove it…and did I mention I have five best friends I’m texting. No big thang.
I bet you think you know who the skeeze of the day is…titleholder fire whisperer right?! Wrong. My skeeze of the day definitely goes to the married guy hitting on me. I know my humor with intermittent swearing might indicate that my morals are…vacant. But trust me they are there! I sent him packing and then had a good cry over the idea that he thought I would do something like that. I VOW to never hit on a married man.