I arrived home Friday night mostly wondering why the Lords of Dogtown cast was in my living room including but not limited to my roomie Connor, the fire whisperer, my boss, a coworker, and some guy who said our apartment could be a sitcom.
He was like, “You guys, a boy and a girl not dating, live in a badass loft apartment above a youth ministry service in walking distance from a quaint pub,” and I was like Hmmm, I don’t see your angle.
Regardless, I knew it was a man’s world and I needed to peace the fuck out. I put on my warpaint and left with my best gal pal Julie for a night on the town…only to meet up with the same boys later because really, who can stay away from boys?
To my great pleasure, I got drunk and I’m pretty sure I even announced a cheers to my bedroom being the place to be with both Dean and the fire whisperer (remember Dean? See post: Who The Fuck Is In My Bed Right Now?). In fact, I am certain that I should just share one great big bar picnic table with all my ex-boyfriends including the fire whisperer, the never boyfriend, my ex-roommates, current roommates, ex-friends, current friends, and hell let’s throw in my family and just make a night of it. Who’s in?
First round is not on me.
It was a fun night only to be followed by an anything but epic Saturday watching the movie Divergent with my roommate Connor. I explained to him how much I loved girl power movies like this because it got me all psyched up. Why do you think I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer for like 14 solid years of my life?
After watching movies like this, I go through these intense training phases where I do push-ups in my room and go jogging late at night listening to Eye of the Tiger…just in case I am the legendary vampire slayer prodigy, a zombie apocalypse is going to arise or in case vegans decide to overthrow the government (the most likely if you ask me).
Then, of course, there is the romance aspect of all these girl power movies. I had to again explain to Connor that there is nothing better than a romantic rescue from a dreamy man my age. In fact, I often consider putting myself in more danger just to increase my chances of being rescued.
I asked Connor what might be some potential rescue opportunities. He suggested needing my oil changed, running out of gas, getting a flat tire, dead car battery, blown tire, overheated engine, small leak, and so on…I was like I’m sensing a pattern. After naming every car-related rescue known to mankind, I was like I GET IT!
I am certainly not opposed to watching a guy fix my car…so long as he is shirtless, single, and actually capable of fixing my car. I don’t have time for impostors, but perhaps an exception could be made depending on how similarly said impostor looks to Jared Leto. Yes. Exceptions can be made.
Connor must have felt pretty psyched up himself after watching the movie Divergent because he started punching me repeatedly in the leg all weekend. Nothing like a good thigh punch to start your day…and continue it all day long…and end it as well. Forget car-related rescues, anyone interested in rescuing me from my roommate’s left hook directed at my lower appendages? What, no takers? Awesome.
Oh and did I forget to mention Thursday’s laundry debacle? By that, I am referring to using my only two girlfriend’s in town for their washer and dryer…which would’ve been great if I hadn’t waltzed in like I owned the place when one of them wasn’t home.
No worries, I was only to be greeted by one of her male roommate’s and the editor of the school newspaper. Oh hey. Just tryin to get those towels out of the dryer. Pretend I’m not here..which I know firsthand is difficult because I’m trying really hard to do the same thing. I was on my last sock and desperate times call for desperate measures. Sometimes you have to use your friends for all they are worth…right? Someone fucking confirm I am right. Please.
It is now monday, which I formally attempted to cancel but was denied higher consent. Drinks have been drank. Cheers have been made. My laundry is done. My beaten legs have healed… And I missed a meeting, showed up a half hour late for a shift at work I did not know I had, and even managed to mess up a great opportunity…but fuck…It is monday after all. We all have to start somewhere right?
FYI: I would love to start somewhere that involves lots and lots of commentary…you feel me?