In honor of throwback Thursday, it is time that I told you about the curse…the Chris curse.
The Chris curse has plagued me for as long as I can remember, which I have to guess began sometime around middle school.
Without further ado, I give you…
The Rules of the Chris Curse:
1. Chris is always a boy.
I told my roommate Connor that there was nothing like a good lesbian moment to prove you are straight…I regret that very much.
2. Chris always has a girlfriend. If he did not have a girlfriend…well that might just be too easy. If Chris were single they may have never put It’s Complicated as a relationship status choice on Facebook.
3. Chris always likes me just a tad bit more than his girlfriend. The level of which he likes both of us varies depending on the particular Chris involved. I am never sure if it is the whole “want what you can’t have” concept or if I am just awesome. I choose to think I am just awesome.
4. Chris’ girlfriend sends me packing in the meanest of manners.
Every single Chris I have ever, EVER met has met these four criteria to the tee. I know what you are thinking. This could happen with any guy. It could be Bill, Bob, Joel, Ezekial, what the fuck ever, but NO. This only happens with Chris, it only happens with me, and it only happens in this particular way. So there.
While we are playing the name game, I want to quickly give a shout out to Diet Coke for their new “Sharing” campaign. Thanks to the random selection of the vending machine, my diet coke had the fire whisperer’s real name printed across the back. Nothing like a diet soda reminding you that your ex will never share anything with you again.
But back to the topic at hand, the Chris curse.
The Chris curse began in middle school, followed me throughout high school, and even managed to rear its ugly head a couple times in college. It all led to what I hope, but despairingly know is not, the last Chris.
Chris J. we will call him.
Chris J. and I met in physics class after the tragic departure of my high school sweetheart my sophomore year of college. His cute smile and gentle nature led me to believe he was the only one that could guide me through Newton’s Laws of Motion.
Newton’s Third Law of Motion: For every action…there is an equal and opposite reaction.
My Third Law of Motion: For every me…there is a girlfriend of Chris.
My perhaps not so equal but definitely opposite reaction was Chris J’s girlfriend of 4 years, K. Let’s just call her K.
After many study sessions filled with hard work, laughter, and good spirits, Chris J. wanted to introduce me to his very serious but long distance girlfriend K. He actually thought we were a lot alike…great.
I met K and immediately thought she was pretty, funny enough, and she had good shoes which seemed reason enough to like her. After the breakup with my high school sweetie, I was looking high and low for girlfriends and there she was…I found her up high because she was much taller than me.
After a couple of hangout sessions with the three of us, we made plans for me to come visit them that summer. I would call us a tripod but let’s face it…one leg needed to hit that road and I bet you know which one it is.
I flew down to see him, I mean them, that summer and naturally stayed at K’s house, which was practically a mansion because her dad was a dentist. Her mom spent a grand at the mall one day while I was there and I was sure they were selling drugs on the side. When I spend $50 at the mall I’m like…Whoah Savannah slow your roll…you still need to buy a soft pretzel.
Anyhow, my days there were spent meeting their families, swimming at K’s in-ground pool, and begging the two of them to take me to the Seabrook Psychic chanting “Seabrook psychic Seabrook psychic” over and over in the car…because yes, I am the kind of person that chants. I find psychic visits to be stupid but overwhelmingly entertaining.
All was going swell in my world until one day I woke up and K was not in her room. I actually couldn’t find her anywhere, so I proceeded to watch a 7th Heaven marathon on tv. Cable is a luxury not all of us can afford.
Eventually she came into her room and said
“CJ and I got in a fight,” to which I responded, “Do you want talk about it?”.
She did not want to talk about it.
She explained that the fight was about me and she did not feel comfortable with the closeness Chris J. and I shared. Understandable. I apologized for anything I felt like I could possibly apologize for and continued trying to be the best friend I could be at that point. At that point I was in her house, her bedroom, watching 7th heaven on her tv. What more could you really ask?
The next day, she drove me to the airport 4 hours early, which may have been the best time I had the whole trip. I ate Mexican food and bought my family a million state-related gifts like jalapeno-flavored chocolate and hats because I had not spent any money on my trip.
After the fight, I never saw or spoke to Chris J. again. I sent them both apology text messages and only received a few very spiteful responses from K. I assumed Chris J. was in lock-down mode instated by K herself.
The truth is, the Chris curse hurts me and here’s why:
I like Chris…more than a friend. Chris is sweet, Chris is fun and Chris is way too awesome for Chris’ girlfriend. Well known around my home state for denying my feelings, I have never been able to admit how I felt about Chris (all Chris’)…until now.
I almost think I did not realize how I felt about them until I saw Chris J’s relationship status change to engaged on Facebook less than a year ago. Chris J. and K are now married and on their way to societal bliss, which I would have fucking known had they just taken me to the damn Seabrook Psychic!
As you can imagine, my skeeze of the day goes to Chris J., which I like even more because it rhymes.
Skeeze of day goes out to Chris J., who I sincerely hope is the last Chris of my Chris curse. Do you think it ends when one of the Chris’ secedes to holy matrimony?
Future cheers to the Chris who breaks the cycle!
…if Chris ever breaks the fucking cycle!