Okay, so just about all I have heard lately is my girl friends talking about how bad they want a boyfriend, why they can’t find guys, or why they can’t keep a guy. Before you start bashing them remember that sometimes the world seems like it’s comin at ya in pairs, peanut butter jelly this black and white that. It’s all very “It takes two to tango” if you ask me.
World, you win.
It does take two to tango. But guess what, it only takes one to have a happy life if you’re doing it right! So ummm…girls…maybe you’re not doing it right.
For the record, guys are not the be all end all ladies. I love the “d” so to speak as much as the next girl, but they are quite annoying and after living with some of them realize that they can be just as bad on every level as a girl can.
Watch out Emma Watson, I’ll give you gender equality…Both genders suck equally ya hear?
This is my lousiest shot at giving you advice on how to get a guy. I tested it this weekend for validity. Proven accurate. Take it or leave it, but this is free of charge.
What you want to do, is pick a guy, zero in on him and him alone. Make him feel like he is the only person in the room. It is better if he is with a bunch of friends because he automatically feels cooler now knowing that you selected him out of like 5 of his besties. You should even make prolonged eye contact with him repeatedly, like after someone tells a funny joke or mentions him, that way there is no confusion about who you selected.
You want to be able make him feel just a little bit cooler than he actually is. Stroke that ego so much that he leaves for the night thinking, “Yeah, I am that cool. But wait, not without this girl. She made me cool. She made me who I am right now. Say, what is this girl’s phone number?”
I trick them into complimenting me by setting up all the right lead-ins. I act like we are already dating, staying in close quarters, pretending we already have an abundance of inside jokes, and then I act like I like myself so fucking much that he’s convinced he likes me that much too. In fact, I do this so well that by the end of it all, we are dating and he thinks he instigated the whole thing himself it’s great.
I get it. This all sounds a little bit fake, playing games, pretending to be someone your not and all that. Here’s the thing, it is actually quite the opposite.
A) You are being honest about your feelings upfront, showing him you like him. No playing hard to get in the vicinity.
B) You are showing confidence. If you like yourself then others realize they like you too. Come on, it’s you! What’s not to like?
C) Eventually pretending all these things start to feel real. FYI, you might actually be cool and you might even be capable of making someone else feel that way. Who knew?
I tried this out this weekend and managed to get about a million compliments on my dress…and my face, a few phone number requests and fuck even some decent conversation.
Do not get me wrong, I make mistakes too.
Sometimes I crush on unavailable guys, get stuck in an unhealthy dating situation with a guy who is convinced it’s 70% easier to revert back to being dickish than to acquire new habits, and sometimes I just don’t get the guy I want. But, it is not the end of the world. I know it is not because here we are…in the world.
The real best advice I could give my girl friends is to just stop thinking about it. If you are thinking about “getting guys” more than 50% of time, that is way too much and you need to get your own fucking life.
25% of the time, on the other hand, is perfectly understandable and downright primal.
I know telling you not to think about something makes you think about it even more so do you want to know what I think about to keep my mind occupied instead of on the male prowl?
I think about how I can increase my chances of getting to play pool. It’s fucking fun. It’s relaxing, it brings out my competitive streak because I love winning, and it makes me feel ambitious because I want to improve.
I think about what I want to wear the next day, the next week the whole fucking fall season. Those boots? That skirt? The possibilities are endless and it could take all day to decide.
I think about that god awful test I have next week. In fact, I tell every single friend about it so they can feel that secondhand stress.
“Hey Joan, I know we haven’t talked since high school but I’m really going through a rough time. It’s just…I have this really challenging test next week and I don’t know what to do ya know?”
Then Joan tells me I need to fucking study which is good because how can you possibly think about guys when you can’t remember a single fucking thing from your old physics classes.
I’m not thinking about boys, why are you?
Who the fuck cares if Jake did not text you back? Why are you thinking about Eric again? For that matter, why are you over analyzing that hesitation Keith made before talking to you?
It is extremely tough being independent I know. I’m a highly social person and I want to be doing things with anybody and errybody ya know? But like my roommate Connor always says, sometimes you just have to do things alone.
“Me time” is what they call it…and you know what? I fucking love it. I get to watch what I want to watch on netflix, eat what I want to eat, and go shoot pool when I want to go shoot pool.
It’s almost like being your own person…its eye opening really.
Excuse my sarcasm, or don’t.
This weekend was…interesting. I got drunk Friday night with my old roommates and totally forgot how much I missed them. We even ended up at a country bar if you can imagine…it was also quite eye opening.
I started drinking at 10:00 a.m. on Saturday, taking pomegranate vodka shots with some frat-tastic guys my friends met. We went to the bar, where I outshot them at pool, outdrank them, and then tripped in front of them all because I was so drunk. At first I was embarrassed…then I was like fuck it. You’re a cute drunk girl who hustled them at pool and you practically moved in next door with that moment of clumsiness.
I went to work to finish up a project I had to do then went home and passed out drunk at like 4:00 p.m. I woke up at 1:00 a.m. to go eat french fries and watch movies with my old roommates. Unfortunately, I remembered how drunk I was at work when I finished that project and realized I needed to go make sure I completed it right before my boss saw the drunken handiwork himself.
It was the dark shadowy hour of 4:00 a.m. so I dragged Preston with me to my place of employment only to find it locked knowing that my boss had already seen my work. I could potentially be fired tomorrow…we shall see.
I got home and my roommate was out of town so I am pretty sure approximately 8 separate murderers tried to break in and failed based on the number of creepy fucking sounds I heard. I am never letting him leave town again.
Skeeze of the day goes out to all those fratty boys for letting me put over $20 worth of drinks on my tab…ouch. I can feel my bank account’s pain from here.
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