The other day my boss was looking over some maps that have the abbreviation PI stamped across them and asked what I thought it meant.
I quickly responded in order of priority, “Public intox, private investigator, 3.14159,” because trig is not so far behind me that I do not remember the first five digits of a mathematical constant named after something that comes in apple, chocolate and banana cream.
I think I have nearly reached maximum capacity for inappropriate things to say in the workplace.
It reminded me of the time I told our university financial aid office that they should buy me a drink first after answering a million personal questions falling just short of which side of the apartment is your bedroom on, where do you put undergarments and oh yeah what is your address? Turns out finances are no laughing matter.
Despite the 10-12 funny and borderline charming phrases I say on a daily basis, it was nice being home this last weekend to get the praise from mom I had so long deserved.
I once killed a gnat at the dinner table that my mom had been trying to kill for some 10 minutes and she cheered me on and said, “Look at you, way to go!” I was like…Oh yeah? You liked that? You should see me scrape dried food off a dirty plate! Or make a free throw through the spokes of our living room fan into a mini basketball hoop! That’s always a crowd favorite.
My mind quickly flashed to all of the different mini successes I had in the past week, like when I opened a can of green beans with a screw driver, caught my phone before it fell beneath my seat in the car and made my first grilled cheese with a waffle maker. I could just picture my mom in the background shouting phrases like Hazzah, well done and keep it up pumpkin. Nevertheless.
I even managed to write a really great song in the midst of a busy day. I call it, “Why Do I Put Things in Such Weird Places?” . It is maybe the catchiest song I have ever written and is even going to have some chord changes just as soon as my air guitarist starts picking up on my musical cues. If only ma had been there to hear that.
It is ironic that I expect such high praises because I get very awkward very fast when someone gives me a compliment. A couple days ago, my article was on the front page of our school newspaper and my coworkers were excited and proud. One of them complimented me and said, “Wow that was a long one too,” and I suddenly got bashful and whispered, “That’s what she said,” as I ran into the other room.
Just yesterday, the fire whisperer tried to tell me that he enjoyed this grilled cheese I cooked in the waffle maker and I had no idea how to respond. The appropriate response was probably thank-you, you’re welcome or something common folk like that, but instead I started rambling about dry and wet noodles because my roommate Connor told me his grilled cheese was not crunchy and compared it to a wet noodle.
I was like…Oh I’ll show you a wet noodle! Then I went and took a shower because I felt disgusted with myself.
So what is new with me?
1. I was reading a Q & A with Bob Seger in Rolling Stone magazine the other day and noticed that he had recently read the novel Quiet by Susan Cain. That is right. Bob Seger and I read the same books. No big deal. Except for it is especially because Old Time Rock n’ Roll has been my go-to shower song since I was like 12 years old. I have been picturing him and I reading the same book, sitting in the same position both under a tree ever since.
2. My mom bought me a coat while I was home this weekend. After buying one online under the guise of it being for me, she liked it so much she kept it for herself. I asked her at the store if she would buy a different one for me to even the playing field and without waiting for her response threw the coat in the cart along with 2 tee shirts and a brown fake leather jacket. She was slightly passive aggressive with me the rest of the evening but she has no idea what it is like to have such keen fashion sense and so very little money to flaunt it.
3. My friends got me this little bobble-head turtle at a music festival they went to recently and I naturally felt the need to name it Stevie Nicks.
Side Note: I name all of my stuffed animals, plants, pets etc. after rock stars.
I have been listening to the song Gypsy on repeat for like two days now and am like legitimately considering having the first line tattooed on my upper thigh. Don’t ruin this for me.
4. I rediscovered the awesome apple flavored NutriGrain bars that I used to hate when I was little thinking that only cheap moms bought these cheap, uncool granola bars. Little did I know that cheap moms are the ones who listen to cool bands like Deftones, Limp Bizkit and Korn; cheap moms are the ones who dress rad in wrap dresses and fake leather jackets; and that cheap moms are just trying to feed you and raise you the best they can. FYI: She did.
I now love these low priced granola bars and although do not plan on having kids would look forward to the days of becoming a cheap mom because news flash to my younger self, cheap moms rock!
I don’t know if is the past, present and future gypsy talking, but I have been extremely sentimental this week.
Sorry for the I am now taking a nap on my computer desk boring blog post, but not much has been happening these days except for the usual train wreck of non-straightenened hair, coffee buzz and a strong desire to use the word dashing in reference to good looks.
For each comment you leave I will drink another cup of coffee.
If that is any incentive.