Instead of resolutions for the new year of 2015, I am going to create problems…99 to be exact. You ready?
1. I’m going to fuck something up. Technologically speaking. I may drop my cell phone in a sink full of soapy water. I may get a virus on my computer. Who knows, I may set my hair on fire with the blow dryer. The possibilities are endless when you have a power cord and an outlet. Just ask my hair straightener (See Post: Hell Week)
2. I am going to get a tattoo that I hate. I will hate it so much that I try to scrub it off in the shower. And fail. Every time I look at it I will feel disgusted with myself. It will also be in a very noticeable place so that I lose out on 25% of the jobs I apply for in the future and receive 10% more dirty looks from the elderly. Kids these days.
3. I am going to spend too much money shopping online. New shoes here, skinny jeans there. Oh look! I’m broke!
4. I am going to paint my nails and then mess them up because I was too impatient to let them dry.
5. I am going to let my car run out of gas. I’ll have completely forgotten I was getting close to empty and then my car will just stop in the middle of a big intersection…during 5:00 traffic.
6. I am going to lose something important to me. Probably my favorite necklace, an earring or my favorite vinyl record. Poof. Gone. To the place where all bobby pins, socks and important papers go.
7. I am going to trip and fall in front of a lot of people. I will be drunk in front of my favorite two ex-boyfriends and then just bite it. For the next week and half there will be a shameful red mark on my forehead from the concrete on the bar patio.
8. I am going to be clingy. I am going to static cling so hard to someone that they will write a chick flick about it calling me some painfully similar name like Havannah or Samara.
9. I am going to get jealous. Green is not a good color for me.
10. I am going to overeat. I will eat so much that I make myself sick and then wonder what I ever did to deserve it.
11. I am going to start a book, stop midway and never go back to finish it.
12. I am going to sleep through my alarm and be late for work.
13. I am going to drink coffee or soda right before I go to bed and lie there all night crunching numbers from my bank account in correspondence to all the car parts I need replaced.
14. I am going to develop a new crush for someone completely unavailable. They will have a girlfriend of 5 years, be a religious freak obsessed with celibacy or be in some awkward position of authority to me.
15. I am going to make my parents mad at me.
16. I am going to make my roommate mad at me.
17. I am going to make EVERYONE I KNOW mad at me.
18. I am going to quit drinking soda…then relapse…8 times.
19. I am going to forget to water my plants.
20. I am going to lock my keys in the car.
21. I am going to say something inappropriate too loudly.
22. I am going to add fuel to a fire. Any fire.
23. I am going to get into a fender bender.
24. I am going to say the opposite of what I mean. Hello (goodbye). Yes (no). Go right (go left).
25. I am going to bring up politics. That’s always a problem. See #22 .
26. I am going to borrow something and never give it back. NEVER!
27. I am going to leave dishes in the sink for several days.
28. I am going to leave the lid to a bottle unscrewed too loosely allowing the liquid to spill all over the inside of my purse. My version of water boarding.
29. I am going to cause a jam in the copy machine at work, which should be easy considering it usually does this without my administrative assistance.
30. I am going to listen to music too loudly while my roommate Connor is trying to sleep…and sing along, because what is music really without my backup vocals?!
31. I am going to take an hour long shower. A hot one. Hot applying in both versions (hot and hott). Sorry roomie there wasn’t enough hotness/hotness for the both of us.
32. I am going to get a flat tire. But probably in the middle of nowhere so that I can wholeheartedly confirm to my stepdad that I wasn’t listening when he tried to teach me how to install a spare tire.
33. I am going to go to a horror movie and be so scared by it that I can’t sleep. Ever. Again. Or look in a mirror…cuz’ those are just fucking creepy.
34. I am going to leave my house being all…I don’t need a jacket. It feels great outside! Then….realize I did need a jacket.
35. I am going to say something unintentionally mean to someone. Wow you look tired today. Are you pregnant? Oh I thought that skirt was supposed to have a hole in it.
36. I am going to drop a glass on the wood floors of our apartment…and never sweep. This way both my roomie and I can find every last piece of glass with our feet…or better yet with my hands when I’m crawling on the floor drunk.
37. I am going to wear a button up shirt that is way too right and then flash everyone when the button over my boobs keeps popping open.
38. I am going to cuss/swear in front of my boss. Fuck.
39. I am going to lose my traffic ticket virginity.
40. I am going to forget to pay my cell phone bill on time and then get my phone shut off…mid- conversation with a guy I really like.
41. I am going to leave my purse at the bar…again.
42. I am going to get thrown out of the bar…completely sober.
43. I am going to fall asleep at work. Nighty night boss, coworkers and patrons.
44. I am going to cut my legs shaving, probably in one of those high-risk areas like my kneecap or around my ankle.
45. I am going to pocket dial someone while I’m singing something embarrassing in my car loudly…like Katy Perry or Taylor Swift.
46. I am going to vomit in public…I’d like to say it will be because of a stomach virus but let’s face it I had one too many margaritas.
47. I am going to drunkenly text all my ex-boyfriends, reaching an all time high for the FW.
48. I am going to drunkenly text my mom and tell her I love her….with a proceeding text that says I’m drunk.
49. I am going to forget an important person’s birthday. Not like Barack Obama but someone important to me…like Michelle Obama.
50. I am going to get locked out of my apartment at like 4 a.m. and then call my roommate crying, no sobbing, asking him to let me in. If he doesn’t answer…try try try again.
51. I am going to go to a casino and lose all my money…which likely won’t be a big time commitment considering the amount of digits in my bank account.
52. I am going to get dehydrated.
53. I am going to pronounce something wrong in front of a lot of people. Like instead of pronouncing colonel like kernel, I am going to sound it out…col-o-nel.
54. I am going to take a naked selfie on snapchat then exit out, only to realize all naked selfies on snapchat get leaked…luckily my snapchat username has no resemblance to my real name and most people don’t care as much about me as say…Jennifer Lawrence.
55. I am going to go several days without showering until someone actually notices…then says something to me about it.
56. I am going to be swinging my purse around then accidentally hit someone with it.
57. I am going to press the button that opens my car trunk by accident and leave it open for hours so that my battery dies and I no longer own an old basketball, jumper cables and windshield wiper fluid.
58. I am going to forget to turn my headlights on…and get pulled over…again.
59. I am going to wear lip gloss, my hair down and a short skirt…all on the same windy day.
60. I am going to tell a guy I just want to be friends…….who also just wanted to be friends you arrogant freak!
61. I am going to try and open a bag of chips during a lecture…quietly.
62. I am going to make a huge deal out of something, anything really, that’s not actually a huge deal. THIS STAPLER IS OUT OF STAPLES!
63. I am going to get in a heated argument with someone in comment form over the internet. Not on wordpress hopefully. It will probably be on some yahoo article about a celebrity. Everyone knows that actress is a whore! I hate her….and her long legs, eyelashes and boyfriend track record!
64. I am going to get in a drinking competition…and lose…but make sure everyone goes down with me!
65. I am going to wear a brightly colored bra under a transparent shirt…which of wouldn’t have done if our freaking apartment had better lighting!
66. I am going to break my sunglasses. It’s inevitable.
67. I am going to give a friend bad advice. YES you should go out with your ex-boyfriend that cheated on you with 5 girls and 2 guys! The answer is simple.
68. I am going to say I am going to do something that I am definitely not going to do. Yeah, we should totally go out sometime! And by sometime I mean NEVER!
69. I am going to text someone in a way that makes them think I’m mad at them. I’m not mad at them. But they think I am. It’s all very complex…
70. I am going to raise my voice. That’s right. Consider it risen! (Get your minds out of the gutter!)
71. I am going to get my nose ring caught in a sweater. It’s my own form of self-torture. Some albinos tie a spiked strap around their thigh…I go sweater shopping.
72. I am going to gain 5-6 pounds. Then lose 5-6 pounds. Then gain 5-6 pounds. Then lose…you get the idea.
73. I am going to press the wrong button on the elevator. Fuck the 3rd floor! I’ve always hated it!
74. I am going to wear converse on a rainy day. Sloshity slosh slosh sloshin all day.
75. I am going to “accidentally” forget my wallet one too many times with the same person.
76. I am going to get too drunk…if there is such a thing.
77. I am going to mistakenly kiss one of my friends. Probably drunkenly but I wouldn’t put it past me sober either.
78. I am going to watch too much netflix.
79. I am going to develop vision problems, likely correlated with #78…this wouldn’t be a problem if I had vision insurance. I don’t.
80. I am going to say the right thing…but at the wrong time.
81. I am going to say the wrong thing…but at the right time?
82. I am going to be the third wheel…and then the fifth wheel…and any other wheel that is unnecessary for motion.
83. I am going to cry myself to sleep and get a combination of eye shadow, eyeliner and mascara on the whitest of my pillows.
84. I am going to listen to my music in the car so loudly that I don’t notice the bright lights and sirens coming from the 3 firetrucks and 1 ambulance riding my metaphorical ass.
85. I am going to wipe my eyes right after putting my makeup on so that for the rest of the day people keep asking me if I got in a fight. I will have no idea what they are talking about and just assume that I look equally vulnerable and feisty that day.
86. I am going to apologize WAY too many times. I’m sorry for this. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for being so fucking sorry.
87. I am going to start saying one particular phrase annoyingly often. Players gonna play Katie. Players gonna play Connor. Players gonna play Andy. PLAYERS GONNA FUCKING PLAY!
88. I am going to purchase an extremely unflattering pair of jeans. My mom’s jeans will be better than these.
89. I am going to dance while I’m drunk…which you would know is a problem if you have ever seen me dance while I’m drunk…or when I’m sober really. Me and dancing not so much.
90. I am going to press the wrong number on an old fashioned calculator during an extremely long calculation. CE…clear fucking everything.
91. I am going to get a fucking stupid fortune in a fortune cookie.
92. I am going to turn up the thermostat so high that I am hot all night, but not awake enough to go turn it down.
93. I am going to lose cell phone service…when I need cell phone service?
94. I am going to get lost while using the GPS on my phone.
95. I am going to get a jealous of my friend…every thought I have will end in the words “than me.”
96. I am going to hit decline on an important phone call all because I am not finished singing the song that is playing.
97. I am going to put off my laundry for so long that I run out socks.
98. I am going to see a spider somewhere…and think really hard about killing it…then run!
99. I am going to have the most problematic year ever…get excited!
99 problems…and New Year’s is one!