Times are changin’

Humor

Okay, so forget Austin.

I’m over it.

Austin was fun, but multiply part one by two and three and I’m sure you can do the math.

Right now, I want to be at the bar playing pool. Why?

There’s sticks, there’s balls and they don’t belong to a skeezy guy.

What am I doing instead?

Pouring myself a glass of ice cold soda as I wait for the Google results of “How to cut a pineapple.” Yeah. True story.

While I’d love to tell you 4 non blondes style what exactly is going on, I can’t.

A) I don’t need to be drinking caffeine this late at night.

B) Does everyone already just arrive on this planet with the innate knowledge of how to cut a pineapple?

Pineapples are all spiky like they’re trying to warn you about something fruity, which is now interchangeable with fishy, which someone thought was interchangeable with suspicious. So yeah. Pineapples are all spiky like they’re trying to warn you about something suspicious like…

Hey. Open up this pineapple and you might find yourself drinking soda in the middle of the night instead of playing pool. How do you like them apples? You obviously don’t, because here you are with a fucking pine version of something that poisoned the purest of Disney princesses. Ick.

So here’s the thing. Times are changin’. I’ve heard people say it in the general “the world is gonna’ end” sort of way, but now I really believe it.

Times are changin’.

I’m losing my dream apartment. I’m losing my fave roommate Catman Connor. I’m losing weight. Most importantly, I’m losing this negative attitude.

So yeah, I’ll admit, I burnt my candle at both ends.

It’s completely gone now.

So in the future, when someone asks me to hold a candle to some swimsuit- model-resembling ex-girlfriend I can be all like…Sorry don’t have one.

But I’ll tell you what I do have. A pineapple. A motherfucking pineapple.

I’m not sure what the next few months have in store for me. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be…fruitful? Who freaking knows?

All I know right now is that…

I’m pretty nervous for my internship. I may need a storage unit for my shoes alone. I’m going to miss a lot of my friends next year. And…

Times are changin’.

But more on all this later, I’ve got soda to drink, pineapple to cut and time to change.

How To Cut a Pineapple Like a Badass

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Spring Break Part One: Scene Setting…Just So We’re Clear

Humor, People, Relationships

On Spring Break I took my top off (but only so I could shower), made many drunken phone calls (but not to an ex-boyfriend) and went shopping (but not for anything in particular). BUT. Spring break was fun!

For spring break, N and C took me to Austin, Texas for one of the best trips of my life.

While I was fairly excited about going, I had my reservations.

A) Austin sounds like the name of a five year old child whose parents have some sort of fibrosis. And the traffic. I hear there’s traffic.

B) We were staying with N’s not-so-evil twin brother and his wife. I have met them before, but there’s always a lot of pressure meeting friends and family of friends. They have known each other for years and here I am. I mean…there are people out there who have known me for years, but I don’t like have references or anything.

C) The entire car ride there, N and C played this stupid name game with actors’ names, which might have been great if I had not spent my entire life going to the movie theater for the sole purpose of eating popcorn.

D) All of the above.

D. The first letter of the word disaster and the last letter of the word fucked. Just so we’re clear, when I answered “D” I meant A-C. Just so we’re clear.

We arrived in Austin late at night and suddenly, I got nervous. Seeing AL (couple nickname for N’s twin brother and wife) made me nervous.

When I’m around new people I always feel like they’re judging me.

And they are.

They’re always like…

What’s with that freckle on her arm?

Why does she say statements like questions?

…Okay. (See! Her pitch gets¬†higher at the end!)

I don’t know about this girl, but what I do know is…

Then they follow it up with something that they know. Or something that they think. Like, I think it’s supposed to rain tomorrow.

Okay?¬†(see she’s doing it again…)

Plus all these people (N, C, AL and all the other fucking letters in the alphabet) are older than me, more intelligent than me, and brush their teeth more thoroughly than me ya know?

Anyhow, my emotional reservations were cancelled when we stayed up until five a.m. watching N, C and A pick up one of ten million guitars hanging on the wall, and when L gave me the biggest guest bedroom in the house.Okay! And that’s not a question just so we’re clear.

Now that I’ve set the scene, I realize this could be like a three-blog-post kind of affair. That’s right. Three posts. Just so we’re clear.