Teeth Are People Too

Humor, Lifestyle, People

You may have noticed I have been a little absent lately. This is because I got busy. But in an outside of the bedroom kind of way. I have had this new, unheard of, version of writer’s block. Instead of not having enough things to write, I have had way too many.

I don’t even know where to start.

Breakfast this morning?

My trip to the dentist?

The movies last night?

Endless.

Possibilities.

Breakfast this morning?

I didn’t have it.

My trip to the dentist?

He told me I had a wild tongue. No really. Wild. It was way more appalling than seeing fifty shades of boring last night.

The movies last night?

Weak. Like me after an afternoon jog down the street.

So the other day at work, my coworker whose name is foreign to me (and every other American for that matter) really got under my skin. I decided to wear my headband horizontally, hippie style, right? Chic, I know.

He has the audacity to ask me, “Why are you wearing tiara?”

I knew exactly what he meant, but I was way more into playing dumb.

“What are you talking about?” I said to this foreign named gentleman with a snippy mouth.

“When you wear like this (makes hand gestures towards my headband), it is crown, no?” said this stupid freak in broken English.

“No, it’s just a headband A******.”

Keep in mind, I did not call him an asshole, his name just starts with an “A” and is legitimately that many letters long. Convenient though right?

If I were a princess, I would’ve smited (smitten? sp?) him. I mean banished him to his own country. Sorry I got religion and government confused…

Because that never happens.

Anyhow, he got on my nerves. And so did that fucking god- awful shot of anesthetic my dentist gave me.

There he is. Staring at me. Right up close. Looking into my mouth — my nose. Like he owns the place! Then sticks a needle into my gums like the corner of the sharpest freaking tortilla chip on the planet.

Ouch.

I have feelings ya know? Teeth are people too.

Of course he knows that, this sorry excuse for a doctor. He has to know that I didn’t drink all that soda, eat all that chocolate and watch all that television for nothing.

I did all of that so that someday, preferably on a Thursday morning an hour before work, I could come to his office and feel the deep deep drilling of his….whoah no, sorry I mixed up the movies last night with the dentist.

Fifty shades of grey. Where was the deep deep drilling I had my heart set on seeing? Ugh. Fan fiction.

I dragged 5 of my friends to see the late showing of what I hoped would be eyebrow raising, goosebump causing, nail polish removing sexual tension and just…no. No.

God fuck this shit. I’m tired of working. I’m tired of shelling out $40 a week at the dentist. And mostly I’m tired of you sons of bitches not leaving me any comments. All this social media is everyone just trying to connect to one another!

So leave a fucking comment…connect four style!

P.S. I’ll post more often. In the words of some hip- hop artist I’m unaware of, this new writer’s block “got me like whoah” .