Teeth Are People Too

Humor, Lifestyle, People

You may have noticed I have been a little absent lately. This is because I got busy. But in an outside of the bedroom kind of way. I have had this new, unheard of, version of writer’s block. Instead of not having enough things to write, I have had way too many.

I don’t even know where to start.

Breakfast this morning?

My trip to the dentist?

The movies last night?

Endless.

Possibilities.

Breakfast this morning?

I didn’t have it.

My trip to the dentist?

He told me I had a wild tongue. No really. Wild. It was way more appalling than seeing fifty shades of boring last night.

The movies last night?

Weak. Like me after an afternoon jog down the street.

So the other day at work, my coworker whose name is foreign to me (and every other American for that matter) really got under my skin. I decided to wear my headband horizontally, hippie style, right? Chic, I know.

He has the audacity to ask me, “Why are you wearing tiara?”

I knew exactly what he meant, but I was way more into playing dumb.

“What are you talking about?” I said to this foreign named gentleman with a snippy mouth.

“When you wear like this (makes hand gestures towards my headband), it is crown, no?” said this stupid freak in broken English.

“No, it’s just a headband A******.”

Keep in mind, I did not call him an asshole, his name just starts with an “A” and is legitimately that many letters long. Convenient though right?

If I were a princess, I would’ve smited (smitten? sp?) him. I mean banished him to his own country. Sorry I got religion and government confused…

Because that never happens.

Anyhow, he got on my nerves. And so did that fucking god- awful shot of anesthetic my dentist gave me.

There he is. Staring at me. Right up close. Looking into my mouth — my nose. Like he owns the place! Then sticks a needle into my gums like the corner of the sharpest freaking tortilla chip on the planet.

Ouch.

I have feelings ya know? Teeth are people too.

Of course he knows that, this sorry excuse for a doctor. He has to know that I didn’t drink all that soda, eat all that chocolate and watch all that television for nothing.

I did all of that so that someday, preferably on a Thursday morning an hour before work, I could come to his office and feel the deep deep drilling of his….whoah no, sorry I mixed up the movies last night with the dentist.

Fifty shades of grey. Where was the deep deep drilling I had my heart set on seeing? Ugh. Fan fiction.

I dragged 5 of my friends to see the late showing of what I hoped would be eyebrow raising, goosebump causing, nail polish removing sexual tension and just…no. No.

God fuck this shit. I’m tired of working. I’m tired of shelling out $40 a week at the dentist. And mostly I’m tired of you sons of bitches not leaving me any comments. All this social media is everyone just trying to connect to one another!

So leave a fucking comment…connect four style!

P.S. I’ll post more often. In the words of some hip- hop artist I’m unaware of, this new writer’s block “got me like whoah” .

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Oh I’ll show you a wet noodle!

College, Humor, Parenting, People, Relationships

The other day my boss was looking over some maps that have the abbreviation PI stamped across them and asked what I thought it meant.

I quickly responded in order of priority, “Public intox, private investigator, 3.14159,” because trig is not so far behind me that I do not remember the first five digits of a mathematical constant named after something that comes in apple, chocolate and banana cream.

I think I have nearly reached maximum capacity for inappropriate things to say in the workplace.

It reminded me of the time I told our university financial aid office that they should buy me a drink first after answering a million personal questions falling just short of which side of the apartment is your bedroom on, where do you put undergarments and oh yeah what is your address? Turns out finances are no laughing matter.

Despite the 10-12 funny and borderline charming phrases I say on a daily basis, it was nice being home this last weekend to get the praise from mom I had so long deserved.

I once killed a gnat at the dinner table that my mom had been trying to kill for some 10 minutes and she cheered me on and said, “Look at you, way to go!” I was like…Oh yeah? You liked that? You should see me scrape dried food off a dirty plate! Or make a free throw through the spokes of our living room fan into a mini basketball hoop! That’s always a crowd favorite.

My mind quickly flashed to all of the different mini successes I had in the past week, like when I opened a can of green beans with a screw driver, caught my phone before it fell beneath my seat in the car and made my first grilled cheese with a waffle maker. I could just picture my mom in the background shouting phrases like Hazzah, well done and keep it up pumpkin. Nevertheless.

I even managed to write a really great song in the midst of a busy day. I call it, “Why Do I Put Things in Such Weird Places?” . It is maybe the catchiest song I have ever written and is even going to have some chord changes just as soon as my air guitarist starts picking up on my musical cues. If only ma had been there to hear that.

It is ironic that I expect such high praises because I get very awkward very fast when someone gives me a compliment. A couple days ago, my article was on the front page of our school newspaper and my coworkers were excited and proud. One of them complimented me and said, “Wow that was a long one too,” and I suddenly got bashful and whispered, “That’s what she said,” as I ran into the other room.

Just yesterday, the fire whisperer tried to tell me that he enjoyed this grilled cheese I cooked in the waffle maker and I had no idea how to respond. The appropriate response was probably thank-you, you’re welcome or something common folk like that, but instead I started rambling about dry and wet noodles because my roommate Connor told me his grilled cheese was not crunchy and compared it to a wet noodle.

I was like…Oh I’ll show you a wet noodle! Then I went and took a shower because I felt disgusted with myself.

(If you are new to my blog and want to know who the Fire Whisperer is See Post: Kisses Here and There or if you want to know about my roommate Connor See Post: That’s My Roommate )

So what is new with me?

1. I was reading a Q & A with Bob Seger in Rolling Stone magazine the other day and noticed that he had recently read the novel Quiet by Susan Cain. That is right. Bob Seger and I read the same books. No big deal. Except for it is especially because Old Time Rock n’ Roll has been my go-to shower song since I was like 12 years old. I have been picturing him and I reading the same book, sitting in the same position both under a tree ever since.

2. My mom bought me a coat while I was home this weekend. After buying one online under the guise of it being for me, she liked it so much she kept it for herself. I asked her at the store if she would buy a different one for me to even the playing field and without waiting for her response threw the coat in the cart along with 2 tee shirts and a brown fake leather jacket. She was slightly passive aggressive with me the rest of the evening but she has no idea what it is like to have such keen fashion sense and so very little money to flaunt it.

3. My friends got me this little bobble-head turtle at a music festival they went to recently and I naturally felt the need to name it Stevie Nicks.

Side Note: I name all of my stuffed animals, plants, pets etc. after rock stars.

I have been listening to the song Gypsy on repeat for like two days now and am like legitimately considering having the first line tattooed on my upper thigh. Don’t ruin this for me.

4. I rediscovered the awesome apple flavored NutriGrain bars that I used to hate when I was little thinking that only cheap moms bought these cheap, uncool granola bars. Little did I know that cheap moms are the ones who listen to cool bands like Deftones, Limp Bizkit and Korn; cheap moms are the ones who dress rad in wrap dresses and fake leather jackets; and that cheap moms are just trying to feed you and raise you the best they can. FYI: She did.

I now love these low priced granola bars and although do not plan on having kids would look forward to the days of becoming a cheap mom because news flash to my younger self, cheap moms rock!

I don’t know if is the past, present and future gypsy talking, but I have been extremely sentimental this week.

Sorry for the I am now taking a nap on my computer desk boring blog post, but not much has been happening these days except for the usual train wreck of non-straightenened hair, coffee buzz and a strong desire to use the word dashing in reference to good looks.

For each comment you leave I will drink another cup of coffee.

If that is any incentive.