In my previous post, Sisterhood of World Bloggers Award, I mentioned renaming my country “cluster fuck.” This was obviously a joke, but I actually think we should make a new goal for my country.
I feel that the general population just needs to be more comfortable with saying “fuck” on a regular basis. This could be beneficial in more ways than one.
It would reduce suicidal tendencies such as internalizing feelings. It would be a great new addition to the dictionary because there are so many forms of the word (i.e. fuck, fucker, fucking, motherfucker, motherfucking, fucked, fucks). It could open up a variety of new phrases for people to direct at one another. I fucked up. Fuck bitches. Fuck balls. Fuck you. Fuck it. Cluster fuck. Just some examples. Let me guide you on appropriate times to use fuck.
A) Did you find yourself in bed with a girl last night…that wasn’t your girlfriend?
“I fucked up.”
B) Are you at the strip club shoving dollars in discrete places?
C) Where are your keys? Oh no, did you lock them in the car again?
D) What did she just call you? She said you were a…?! *gasp*
E) Are you wearing shorts and a tank top, only to come outside and realize it’s way colder than you expected?
F) Wait, she’s here with him? Oh my gosh, but he said that about her. And why isn’t she talking to you? Ooh, but why aren’t you talking to him?
Now, that was just an introduction course on my very broad knowledge of using the word fuck. I’m not trying to advocate swearing in general, because it obviously can be fucking offensive as fuck when used inappropriately. But fuck it! Try it out and get back to me.
Okay, so I promised you all a list of how to make this the best last year in my college town ever, but it kind of sucks. I think I actually made a list of how to make this the most mediocre last year in my college town ever. Please let me know if you have suggestions.
1. Have a kickass Halloween Party. I plan on fulfilling every guy’s fantasy and being a cheerleader, while simultaneously fulfilling my own fantasy of being a cheerleader. Connor was like…”A zombie cheerleader?” I was like…”Um no.” I expected him to give me some speech on how lame that was, but instead he just said okay. It was almost to my disappointment because I had a whole counter argument half prepared.
2. Finish my master’s program applications. I fully plan on having a whiskey-drinkers only party for the moment I open all my rejection letters. It will be very exclusive. Only sympathetic friends will be invited.
3. I’m going to have a paint party. It sounds fun right? Paint? Party? No. It’s really just a ploy to get all my friends over to help me paint some of the uglier walls at our apartment. I’ll be like…Look there’s wine! Now get to work you slackers! If they start to rebel I will order pizza.
4. I am going to watch every season of Gilmore Girls…again. It is coming to Netflix in October. My goal in life is to become Lorelai, the mom on the show. She is epic.
5. Make an About Me page for this blog. Trust me, this is in the works. But really, what don’t you know about me? I tell you guys fucking everything! Which…looking back maybe isn’t the most appropriate eek. You should give me some feedback in the ole comment box and tell me what you are looking for in my about page. Think you fuckers can handle that?
6. Rather than making a goal to make new friends, I am going to challenge myself to grow and maintain the friendships I already have. The truth is, I have the most bitchin group of friends ever. If I had nickel for one of my friends telling me I work too much…I would have a shit ton of fucking nickels. Oh and by the way, I’m soooo working on a post to tell you a little bit more about all my friends. Get excited!
7. Get a black cat. I already told you about my desire to name it Michael Jordan. Why a black cat you ask? Black cats are like my spirit animal…I don’t know what it is, but they follow me everywhere. I literally have a black cat cross the road in front of me once a month. That is not a joke. Once a month AT LEAST! It freaked me out at first, but now I just think they are my guardians. It’s all very strange and witchy.
8. Get new tires for my car. I know this does not sound exciting or necessary for the best year ever, but I could take mini trips with my friends yo! Mini trips?!
9. Get a New Year’s kiss. Is “get’ the right word here? Oh, let me just go get a kiss. Acquire? Achieve? Be presented with? Fuck I don’t know. I’ve never had one on New Year’s and you know how I feel about kisses. I am not exactly sure who the victim will be, but based on current events will likely be the guy/girl in closest proximity at 11:59 p.m.
10. Get a matching tattoo with someone…anyone. I know it sounds immature, but I love making these common mistakes. For me they are more like a bucket list. Get a matching tattoo, get arrested for a public intox, quit a really good job…
11. Last but not least, I am going to have the most killer Christmas party ever! I won’t elaborate because I have a huge blog post comin your way about that!
My skeeze of the day goes to a guy named Andy. I met him a year ago and he asked for my number but doesn’t remember that. He approached me last night saying, “I am Rob’s weird friend. You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to. It usually ends badly.” I’m not even sure what the fuck that meant. (take note of my use of “fuck” in that sentence). My intuition is telling me it was skeezy so there you have it. Of course, there was also that guy who asked me why I was so small and then proceeded to hug me…which was a little skeezy but mostly just fucking weird. Can I make two skeezes for one day? Three dog night says one is the loneliest number, so two for one special today only!