Times are changin’

Humor

Okay, so forget Austin.

I’m over it.

Austin was fun, but multiply part one by two and three and I’m sure you can do the math.

Right now, I want to be at the bar playing pool. Why?

There’s sticks, there’s balls and they don’t belong to a skeezy guy.

What am I doing instead?

Pouring myself a glass of ice cold soda as I wait for the Google results of “How to cut a pineapple.” Yeah. True story.

While I’d love to tell you 4 non blondes style what exactly is going on, I can’t.

A) I don’t need to be drinking caffeine this late at night.

B) Does everyone already just arrive on this planet with the innate knowledge of how to cut a pineapple?

Pineapples are all spiky like they’re trying to warn you about something fruity, which is now interchangeable with fishy, which someone thought was interchangeable with suspicious. So yeah. Pineapples are all spiky like they’re trying to warn you about something suspicious like…

Hey. Open up this pineapple and you might find yourself drinking soda in the middle of the night instead of playing pool. How do you like them apples? You obviously don’t, because here you are with a fucking pine version of something that poisoned the purest of Disney princesses. Ick.

So here’s the thing. Times are changin’. I’ve heard people say it in the general “the world is gonna’ end” sort of way, but now I really believe it.

Times are changin’.

I’m losing my dream apartment. I’m losing my fave roommate Catman Connor. I’m losing weight. Most importantly, I’m losing this negative attitude.

So yeah, I’ll admit, I burnt my candle at both ends.

It’s completely gone now.

So in the future, when someone asks me to hold a candle to some swimsuit- model-resembling ex-girlfriend I can be all like…Sorry don’t have one.

But I’ll tell you what I do have. A pineapple. A motherfucking pineapple.

I’m not sure what the next few months have in store for me. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be…fruitful? Who freaking knows?

All I know right now is that…

I’m pretty nervous for my internship. I may need a storage unit for my shoes alone. I’m going to miss a lot of my friends next year. And…

Times are changin’.

But more on all this later, I’ve got soda to drink, pineapple to cut and time to change.

How To Cut a Pineapple Like a Badass

One Lovely Blog Hop

Award Post

Aspirations of flight picked me to do the one lovely blog hop!

The rules for One Lovely Blog Hop are as follows: list 7 interesting facts about myself and nominate 10 other blogs I find awesome to join the blog hop.

7 supposedly interesting facts about my life: (Let me just preface this with a…”I don’t find these interesting at all,” comment. Because I don’t.)

  1. My birthstone is garnet. Classy. Yet still so bold. According to Google, it is considered a great gift to symbolize trust and friendship….Ha.

2. I had a twin in the womb. It did not exactly make it out of the womb. There is something deep inside of me that wants to shrug my shoulders and be all like…Survival of the fittest man.But I feel like there’s a bunch of con-choice lookin’ at me all like WTF?! Can you imagine two of me though? Epic, but let’s get real.

There can only be one.

  1. I have had blonde hair, red hair, black hair, brown hair, straight hair, curly hair…well, you get the picture. Every time I go through a break-up, I dye my hair and then pretend I’m Sydney Bristow from Alias for 7 minutes and 30 seconds. It’s a thing.

4.Every childhood picture of me I am wearing the craziest outfit you can imagine. Think leopard pajama pants, striped tee and bunny ears. Not all that different from my fashion sense now, but I always look towards my mom bitterly like…Could you not have done something with that situation?

5.Every time I hear sirens or see an emergency vehicle I panic. Oh God! What do I do? Pull to the right of the road? The left? Follow my heart?Which side of my chest is my heart on? After a scenic google search, apparently the heart is relatively close to the center of your chest, which doesn’t really seem like the best place to stop my car when I hear sirens. But hey, it’s not life and death ya know?

6.I have always wanted a song written about me. I know that it’s not that groundbreaking, but it’s true. I always tell my musician friends to which they respond, “Everyone wants a song written about them!” to which I respond, “Wow you just categorized me with everyone…no wonder you can’t write a song about me!” Ugh. Musicians.

7.Wow we are already on the last one of these nifty facts. I haven’t even had nearly enough time to talk about myself yet! It’s like you think you’ve come this far (*insert hand gesture*), when you’ve really come this far (*insert hand gesture*) but to everyone else, you just seem like a crazy person typing 7 facts about yourself on your work desktop ya know? So #7. Not my favorite number exactly. I would tell you my favorite number, but we only have 7 facts and why would I waste one of them on my favorite…16. My favorite number is 16.

There you have it. Seven not so interesting facts about me. Now. Check out these 10 blog – aroonies.

1. cookies+sangria

2. Missionary Impossible

3. Man of Wisdom

4. Ben’s Bitter Blog

5. From Diapers and Tutus to Meetings and Boardrooms

6. And On That Note She Wrote

7. Binary This

8. I Prefer Deep Blues and Sea Foam Greens

9. Mom Goes On

10. One Gentleman’s Perspective