Times are changin’

Humor

Okay, so forget Austin.

I’m over it.

Austin was fun, but multiply part one by two and three and I’m sure you can do the math.

Right now, I want to be at the bar playing pool. Why?

There’s sticks, there’s balls and they don’t belong to a skeezy guy.

What am I doing instead?

Pouring myself a glass of ice cold soda as I wait for the Google results of “How to cut a pineapple.” Yeah. True story.

While I’d love to tell you 4 non blondes style what exactly is going on, I can’t.

A) I don’t need to be drinking caffeine this late at night.

B) Does everyone already just arrive on this planet with the innate knowledge of how to cut a pineapple?

Pineapples are all spiky like they’re trying to warn you about something fruity, which is now interchangeable with fishy, which someone thought was interchangeable with suspicious. So yeah. Pineapples are all spiky like they’re trying to warn you about something suspicious like…

Hey. Open up this pineapple and you might find yourself drinking soda in the middle of the night instead of playing pool. How do you like them apples? You obviously don’t, because here you are with a fucking pine version of something that poisoned the purest of Disney princesses. Ick.

So here’s the thing. Times are changin’. I’ve heard people say it in the general “the world is gonna’ end” sort of way, but now I really believe it.

Times are changin’.

I’m losing my dream apartment. I’m losing my fave roommate Catman Connor. I’m losing weight. Most importantly, I’m losing this negative attitude.

So yeah, I’ll admit, I burnt my candle at both ends.

It’s completely gone now.

So in the future, when someone asks me to hold a candle to some swimsuit- model-resembling ex-girlfriend I can be all like…Sorry don’t have one.

But I’ll tell you what I do have. A pineapple. A motherfucking pineapple.

I’m not sure what the next few months have in store for me. It could be good. It could be bad. It could be…fruitful? Who freaking knows?

All I know right now is that…

I’m pretty nervous for my internship. I may need a storage unit for my shoes alone. I’m going to miss a lot of my friends next year. And…

Times are changin’.

But more on all this later, I’ve got soda to drink, pineapple to cut and time to change.

How To Cut a Pineapple Like a Badass

Electronics go together right?

Dating, Humor, Lifestyle, People, Relationships

I apologize for my leave of absence, but I have had the flu…or at least so my doctor says.

I was like…

What exactly was it that tipped you off? My hair? This sweater? My negative flu test results?

She sent me home with flu medication which will be great!  …if I actually have the flu.

I know Dr.Slut was busy and overwhelmed by a ton of other patients and probably exhausted from the holidays but what does it take to get a freaking Z-Pak around here?! …which by the way is an antibiotic not a rapper.

Having the flu has brought back a lot of cherished memories for me. Like for instance what it’s like to feel your ears pop a hundred times every time you swallow. Or that awesome sensation you get in your throat just before you cough up mucus. And last but certainly not least, the ever memorable sneezing uncontrollably and then awkwardly wiping away snot in front of peers and coworkers.

Ah, but have no fear, I did not let this so-called flu interfere with my Christmas spirit.

This year, the question on everyone’s mind was…What did my mom get me for Christmas?

This has been an ongoing joke amongst my friends after last year’s Christmas debacle when my mom bought me a tablet case…for the tablet I don’t have and online photography lessons…for the camera I don’t have.

After Christmas had ended, my mom approached me smad (sad/mad) that I seemed a little disappointed by my gifts that year. She threw all the fun words at me selfish, childish, rude, cranky…you fill in the blanks.

I blamed it on mother nature then immediately started looking forward to next Christmas, laughing in expectancy of the slew of useless but equally charming Christmas gifts my mom would get me.

Leave it to my mom to throw a curveball. Instead, she got me all these gifts I do like. The nerve!

After an even more disappointing Christmas than expected, I took my potentially flu-ridden self and headed back to my college town in a car full of awesome Christmas presents…ugh.

But before that…because believe it or not, there was a before that…

Here’s what you missed:

1. I got an internship!

So…that happened. I answered the phone in a really bitchy voice thinking that it was one of the million car insurance companies that kept calling me after I filled out a couple of car quotes online but instead it was this sweet lady offering me a summer internship.

Hey stupid car insurance company calling me again?! Wait, you’re calling to offer me an internship? Thanks! And by thanks I mean never call this number again! Ya hear?!

Needless to say I was a little caught off guard but still extremely excited!

My internship is with a newspaper in the features department no big deal! My friends keep asking me what a feature is and I try to explain it to them…

Let’s say a puppy were to climb up a tree and save a kitten from a burning branch…

Everyone behold my future in journalism.

2. I may have…hungoutwiththefirewhisperer. (If you don’t know who the Fire Whisperer is…you may have to read my entire blog starting here: Kisses Here and There) Moving on.

He asked me if I had ever considered getting a journal…I was like…You think my blog is juicy?! You should see my diary…

3. Preston (If you don’t know who Preston is, see post: Not Even For a Million Dollars) got me some unique Christmas presents this year. The first being a gift card to the nail salon. Practical. Thoughtful. The second one being…Do I have to say it?

A vibrator.

He had been joking about it for a while so I thought it was exactly that…a joke. Turns out, not so much. I accepted the gift casually. No big deal. Just a gift. From Preston. I can take a joke. This is a joke right?!

I was feeling cool as a cucumber for a while but then things took a turn for the worse when I decided to clean my room.

I kept picking up the gift and then moving it somewhere else, quickly realizing I had no idea where it belonged.

Where exactly do you put a vibrator in your room?

Oh how bout over here by my curling iron? Electronics go together right?

Why not under the bed? I can’t put it near the bed!!!! People will think!

Perhaps in this drawer…that no one will ever open…until that day…when someone decides to open it!

Do you hide it somewhere just waiting for the day when someone finds it and gives you that look like…Why were you hiding this Savannah?

Do you put it out in the open for everyone to see? No big deal. It’s just my…

I finally set it down in this basket thing and finished cleaning my room because lord knows nothing was getting clean while I moved a vibrator from location to location in my room and closet.

Let me know if you have any suggestions. Keep in mind the open door policy at my apartment (we have no doors) so people do tend to…roam.

One of my other friends asked me if Preston got it for me as a joke or if he really thought I needed it.

I looked right.

I looked left.

I don’t know. Probably both.

Eek.

4. Dean (If you do not know who Dean is read post: Who The Fuck Is In My Bed Right Now?) helped me carry in all my Christmas presents, in order to show me some Southern hospitality in accordance with his adorable Southern accent…did I mention adorable?!

Okay so I think you’re mostly caught up on the on-goings, goings on, whatevers of my life.

Sneak Preview:

1. New Year’s I am having a major girl’s night out and a killer blog post I secretly promised you.

2. I have the apartment to myself for a few more days now, which we all know is a recipe for trouble…naked trouble.

3. I have this awesome new red dress…and currently no real plans to wear it but damn! Dayyyyuuuummmm! It looks good!

My skeeze of the day goes to dun dun dun…the fire whisperer AGAIN! He got all excited to show me this song that just says the word “sleeze” repeatedly! Sleeze and skeeze…TOTALLY different.

Leave a comment you silent, quiet, boring, sleezy, skeezy motherfuckers!