Teeth Are People Too

Humor, Lifestyle, People

You may have noticed I have been a little absent lately. This is because I got busy. But in an outside of the bedroom kind of way. I have had this new, unheard of, version of writer’s block. Instead of not having enough things to write, I have had way too many.

I don’t even know where to start.

Breakfast this morning?

My trip to the dentist?

The movies last night?

Endless.

Possibilities.

Breakfast this morning?

I didn’t have it.

My trip to the dentist?

He told me I had a wild tongue. No really. Wild. It was way more appalling than seeing fifty shades of boring last night.

The movies last night?

Weak. Like me after an afternoon jog down the street.

So the other day at work, my coworker whose name is foreign to me (and every other American for that matter) really got under my skin. I decided to wear my headband horizontally, hippie style, right? Chic, I know.

He has the audacity to ask me, “Why are you wearing tiara?”

I knew exactly what he meant, but I was way more into playing dumb.

“What are you talking about?” I said to this foreign named gentleman with a snippy mouth.

“When you wear like this (makes hand gestures towards my headband), it is crown, no?” said this stupid freak in broken English.

“No, it’s just a headband A******.”

Keep in mind, I did not call him an asshole, his name just starts with an “A” and is legitimately that many letters long. Convenient though right?

If I were a princess, I would’ve smited (smitten? sp?) him. I mean banished him to his own country. Sorry I got religion and government confused…

Because that never happens.

Anyhow, he got on my nerves. And so did that fucking god- awful shot of anesthetic my dentist gave me.

There he is. Staring at me. Right up close. Looking into my mouth — my nose. Like he owns the place! Then sticks a needle into my gums like the corner of the sharpest freaking tortilla chip on the planet.

Ouch.

I have feelings ya know? Teeth are people too.

Of course he knows that, this sorry excuse for a doctor. He has to know that I didn’t drink all that soda, eat all that chocolate and watch all that television for nothing.

I did all of that so that someday, preferably on a Thursday morning an hour before work, I could come to his office and feel the deep deep drilling of his….whoah no, sorry I mixed up the movies last night with the dentist.

Fifty shades of grey. Where was the deep deep drilling I had my heart set on seeing? Ugh. Fan fiction.

I dragged 5 of my friends to see the late showing of what I hoped would be eyebrow raising, goosebump causing, nail polish removing sexual tension and just…no. No.

God fuck this shit. I’m tired of working. I’m tired of shelling out $40 a week at the dentist. And mostly I’m tired of you sons of bitches not leaving me any comments. All this social media is everyone just trying to connect to one another!

So leave a fucking comment…connect four style!

P.S. I’ll post more often. In the words of some hip- hop artist I’m unaware of, this new writer’s block “got me like whoah” .

Summertime Sadness

Dating, Lifestyle, People

I love that sheer panic when you realize you used the wrong facing parentheses in your emoticon and you’re like, “Fuck, fuck, undo, unsend you stupid mother fucker.”  You are just waiting for that text from your mom like, “Savannah, I just told you that your aunt died.  Why the fuck are you sending me a smiley face right now?  I just don’t get you children.”  I’m going to refrain from saying true story.

Anywho, I typically withhold any type of religious chatter on my blog because it is con-tro-vers-ial, but no mas.  We pretty much have to talk about religion because I work at a fucking church.  Oh man, the walls of a church can’t protect a sinner from a good lightning bolt.  So first of all, I love that this church has the word “meth” in it.  I work at a methodist church, so sometimes when they order pens or notepads they read ____________ ___ Meth Church, it’s great.  I also love when the minister is talking to me and references some bible story that supposedly everyone knows and it almost never has anything to do with Noah’s ark, the only bible story I can really recall. Although, I am kind of drawn to the whole virgin Mary versus Mary Magdalene concept, because that sounds fucking scandalous as fuck.  If you ever have time to watch a video on youtube called Craig by Stephen Lynch, it will give you a solid idea of my approach to religion.  Let’s face it and just say what most people my age are thinking, it’s just fucking outdated.  While I’m sure different religions have tried to ride the coattails of modern society by starting a social network, showing movie clips during sermon, or spicing up their door to door routine; but in reality, those concepts don’t always apply to the ethical gray areas that seem to be popping up everywhere.  Just the other day, my friends and I were discussing a girl’s speech on why horses should be allowed to be slaughtered.  We all kind of just looked at each other like, “Ok?  Maybe?  No?”.  It is always a weird moment when you realize that you have no idea where you stand on the situation.  On the one hand, it is sort of liberating to NOT have a real opinion.  On the other hand, you’re like fuck who am I?  I really know nothing about horses so I can’t say I have an educated opinion.  My natural inclination based upon movies like Seabiscuit and The Secretariat are telling me to say no to this slaughtering, but then I’m like dude I had a cheeseburger last night.  I just don’t fucking know at this point.

Something that has been really bothering me lately is the way people will hate things just for the sake of hating them, or for the sake of hating them because everyone else likes them.  I’ve heard several people this week saying how much they hate facebook.  Then, why the fuck are you on it?  Just conform, Jesus Christ.  It is perfectly okay to admit that you like facebook.  It’s also perfectly okay to admit that you don’t like facebook, but at least try and be honest with yourself.  I like facebook.  I like blogs.  I like fedoras.  I like texting.  I also fucking like that song “Summertime Sadness” by Lana del Rey.  It’s definitely okay to not like some things, but I’m so impressed when people can be true to themselves, even if it is a bit embarrassing.  Although, I do understand that sometimes being true to yourself means hating something for no good reason.

So, I recently went out with a different crowd than I usually run with.  I’m going to avoid using stereotypes but I’m pretty sure they were looking at me like, What is this thing with the ring in its nose?  It felt a bit like being in high school again.  While I eventually managed to start up a conversation with one of the guys, it ended very quickly when his girlfriend flashed that look like, Who is this bitch in the crop top talking to my boyfriend?  She later commented that, “Boys with long hair are gross and greasy.”  Good, the more for me!  What really bothered me about the whole thing was how quickly I reverted to old habits.  For a long time now, I’ve felt pretty confident and just generally satisfied with where I stood in society.  I have a great group of friends, including my roommate Connor, that make me feel like I can say or do almost anything and it would not change the way they felt about me.  That night, however, I pretty much retreated and admitted to that group that, I too, was not okay with who I am.  Wrong.

Yesterday, I spent a great deal of time familiarizing myself with the phrase “Give em the ole runaround” .  Many old men have said this to me in way which I can only assume means, playing hard to get.  The urban dictionary definition is listed below.

give somebody the runaround (informal)

to act in a way which makes it difficult for someone to do something, for example by refusing to tell them things they need to know;  I’m trying to get a visa, but the embassy staff keep giving me the runaround. (informal)

Here’s the thing, I do play hard to get.  Why?  Because news flash, I am hard to get.  I’ve already met the quota for skeezes in my life.  While I admittedly flirt with everyone, it really is just because that’s my personality.  Some people, however, take my flirting far too seriously.  Ahem, my skeeze of the day goes to a future police officer on the university campus named Vincent.  Last night, as I was leaving the bar, he approached me saying, “If you want my number, I’ll give it to you.  Will you be like calling me or something?”.  Before I give you my response, let me clarify something.  Vincent, a tall thin nerdy looking fellow, said all of this in a very smug manner as if he was doing me some grandiose favor by offering up his phone number.  While I’m definitely not opposed to some opposite sex confidence, he surpassed that and went straight to white supremacist.  No Vincent, I will not call you.  Not now, not ever.  God damn.

For the record, I have no idea what you people are thinking.  What the fuck are you people thinking?  Leave me a comment damn it.  I’m only joking.  Use the comment box at your discretion, but try to avoid using words like cunt and whore unless they are directed at someone other than myself in which case that’s perfectly acceptable.

Spoiler alert: In an effort to get my roommate Connor to stop laughing at me every time I say the word blog, my next post is going to be all about our living situation!  Get excited.