Teeth Are People Too

Humor, Lifestyle, People

You may have noticed I have been a little absent lately. This is because I got busy. But in an outside of the bedroom kind of way. I have had this new, unheard of, version of writer’s block. Instead of not having enough things to write, I have had way too many.

I don’t even know where to start.

Breakfast this morning?

My trip to the dentist?

The movies last night?

Endless.

Possibilities.

Breakfast this morning?

I didn’t have it.

My trip to the dentist?

He told me I had a wild tongue. No really. Wild. It was way more appalling than seeing fifty shades of boring last night.

The movies last night?

Weak. Like me after an afternoon jog down the street.

So the other day at work, my coworker whose name is foreign to me (and every other American for that matter) really got under my skin. I decided to wear my headband horizontally, hippie style, right? Chic, I know.

He has the audacity to ask me, “Why are you wearing tiara?”

I knew exactly what he meant, but I was way more into playing dumb.

“What are you talking about?” I said to this foreign named gentleman with a snippy mouth.

“When you wear like this (makes hand gestures towards my headband), it is crown, no?” said this stupid freak in broken English.

“No, it’s just a headband A******.”

Keep in mind, I did not call him an asshole, his name just starts with an “A” and is legitimately that many letters long. Convenient though right?

If I were a princess, I would’ve smited (smitten? sp?) him. I mean banished him to his own country. Sorry I got religion and government confused…

Because that never happens.

Anyhow, he got on my nerves. And so did that fucking god- awful shot of anesthetic my dentist gave me.

There he is. Staring at me. Right up close. Looking into my mouth — my nose. Like he owns the place! Then sticks a needle into my gums like the corner of the sharpest freaking tortilla chip on the planet.

Ouch.

I have feelings ya know? Teeth are people too.

Of course he knows that, this sorry excuse for a doctor. He has to know that I didn’t drink all that soda, eat all that chocolate and watch all that television for nothing.

I did all of that so that someday, preferably on a Thursday morning an hour before work, I could come to his office and feel the deep deep drilling of his….whoah no, sorry I mixed up the movies last night with the dentist.

Fifty shades of grey. Where was the deep deep drilling I had my heart set on seeing? Ugh. Fan fiction.

I dragged 5 of my friends to see the late showing of what I hoped would be eyebrow raising, goosebump causing, nail polish removing sexual tension and just…no. No.

God fuck this shit. I’m tired of working. I’m tired of shelling out $40 a week at the dentist. And mostly I’m tired of you sons of bitches not leaving me any comments. All this social media is everyone just trying to connect to one another!

So leave a fucking comment…connect four style!

P.S. I’ll post more often. In the words of some hip- hop artist I’m unaware of, this new writer’s block “got me like whoah” .

Dramamine

Travel

Warning: This post…along with all my other posts now that I think about it…is not appropriate for all audiences.  If you are offended by racial, religious, or sexual jokes (the only kind of jokes); then this blog is not for you.

Cunt, slut, whore, bitch.  Only the first four words that come to mind when you think of her…and by her, I mean the family favorite.  Sometimes she’s your niece, sister, cousin, aunt, or in-law, but most importantly, she is never EVER you.  You get a master’s degree and she gets a doctorate.  You wear a c-cup and she’s rockin DD’s.  You win ten awards and she gets best overall.  She’s one-three times upping you in everything you do.  Shadow meet life. She’s often blonde and has a tendency to seek out weaknesses.  Out this July and coming to a theater near you…she is…the family favorite.

Although both facing the inner battle with our archnemesis, the family favorite, Samantha (the introducer of the word skeeze) and I still managed to have a great weekend.  This includes the following:

Kansas City Royals baseball game– I had no idea that all the players would be foreign, and by foreign I mean hispanic.  They trick you with first names like Josh, James, and Tyler…so you’re like yeah, these are my people.  Then BAM, Perez has two outs, Gonzales is chillin on third base, and who knows what the fuck ole Salvador’s up to.  Regardless it was fun…Olé, touché motherfuckers!  I also have recently wondered if they play the song Royals by Lorde at their games…seems appropriate.

Nelson Atkins museum– FYI, Jesus Christ not only died once for your sins, but instead gets nailed to the cross in every single fucking room of this museum.  I fail to understand the artistic fascination with a long-haired man nailed in t-formation, unless said long-haired man is rockin a 6-pack and killer biceps.

Modest Mouse concert– This is the kind of place where each tall man is assigned to one short girl, being forced (by means of waterboarding) to stand directly in front of them the entire concert.  Always a pleasure fellow concert viewers.

 

One of things I realized on my trip, was my friends’ unnatural and mildly disturbing infatuation with the concept of rape.  Everything we talked about somehow led us back to one topic….rape.  We eventually created a rape spectrum, where we could judge things based on where they fell on the spectrum.  Like…oh he touched you there…that’s definitely gonna fall somewhere in the middle of the rape spectrum.  For future posts, I plan to utilize this spectrum.  It did, however, lead us to coining a particular phrase, one which I think you will like.

“It ain’t easy being skeezy.” – said by my roommate Connor (my previous skeeze of the day)

This brings me to my favorite part of the post…My skeeze of the day goes to the guy sitting behind me at the Royals game.  He went on and on about how ugly high-waisted shorts were.  I’m wearing high-waisted shorts you stupid motherfucker!  Take two steps back…then take two steps forward…pat your head…now admit you’re wrong motherfucker!!!! For the record, my high-waisted shorts looked stellar.  I will be posting a clip later today from my favorite Modest Mouse song played at the concert, “Dramamine”.